6 Ways You’re Making Conversations Harder Than They Need to be
How to Change Someone’s Mind (Without Losing Yours)
TL;DR: The 6 Points:
1. You're prioritising being right over connection
2. They don't feel heard
3. You're focused on debunking, not reframing
4. You're using complicated or loaded language
5. You're aiming for a total transformation, not small wins
6. They're not ready to hear you
Ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “I know I was right, so why didn’t that land?”.
Skincare myths, sticky and politically charged topics- we often confuse being correct with being heard.
Here’s what I’ve learned after years of discussing everything from sunscreen filters to theology.
Where My Perspective Comes From
Over the last few years, I’ve worked in skincare, banking, childcare, and education.
In each setting, I’ve had to explain complex ideas in plain, practical language.
I’ve also volunteered at Sydney University with English Second Language (ESL) students, which taught me that clear communication doesn’t mean oversimplifying beyond recognition.
Studying theology gave me insight into how people form beliefs and why old ways of thinking stick around.
But it was working in childcare that had the biggest impact on how I approach tough conversations.
Understanding how we develop (our experience), emotions and how to get to the crux of an issue is essential regardless of our age.
These are the beliefs that guide how I approach tough conversations:
Everyone deserves respect, no matter their background or understanding.
Meeting people where they’re at humanises them.
Progress is progress, and small shifts still matter.
Just because someone can’t articulate what they feel doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling it.
Stay focused. It’s easy to get caught up in details that distract from the point.
Don’t waste your energy on people who argue for the sake of it.
Set The Tone, Know Your Soft Spots
Start with yourself. These conversations aren’t easy, and self-awareness is non-negotiable.
Know your limits, your triggers, and when to walk away.
Reason 1: Being Right is More Important Than Changing Their Perspective
People respond best when they feel safe and understood, even though we might disagree with them.
It’s important you’re putting the person in front of you ahead of the issue you’re discussing.
There are some simple ways to show you care about them, and that you aren’t obsessed with “being right”.
Saying when you’re not sure, or when you need to look into something further.
You don’t need to know everything, and no one does.
That can sound like showing that you heard them, behind honest about the topic, being open to learning more, and then looping it back to understand why it’s important or why they’ve brought it up.
Example: “That’s a great question and honestly, I’m not exactly sure of an accurate answer. I’d be happy to look into it further- but what’s your understanding?”
Be honest when you agree with their points.
Common ground helps build rapport and give a good foundation to work off.
Example: “I totally agree- many people prefer mineral sunscreens when they have sensitive skin! They feel really calming for me too.”
Personal experience plays a huge factor in lots of opinions.
It’s important to acknowledge someone’s experience, even if it’s niche or might not line up with your understanding.
It’s a big deal for someone to share something personal, especially when they know you don’t think or feel the same. Use this as an opportunity to dig deeper.
Example: “That’s amazing that cutting X out of your diet fixed Y, and Y sounds really difficult to live with. What led you to decide to cut out X?”
Take what they say with good faith, and ask for more information if you’re not understanding what they’re saying.
They might have their guard up- but you don’t have to.
Plus, asking for clarification when you’re not sure shows you’re listening, and let’s them know it’s ok to ask if they don’t understand.
Example: “Can you help me understand XYZ more?” “You used the word ZYX- I’m actually not sure what that means!”
Reason 2: They’re Not Feeling Heard, And You’re Not Showing You’re Listening
Active listening is about truly understanding, and going above and beyond to make sure you’re on the same page.
This can look like asking clarifying questions (as mentioned before) or be communicated through your body language.
Lots of active listening is personal, and it won’t look the same for everyone. Let this vary with your personality, style and comfort- because it’s important it feels true to you.
Side note: It’s also why you might get ‘the ick’ or feel a bit weirded out when you hear counselling terms / words used by the media thrown around in a conversation.
It doesn’t feel natural to how the person usually speaks, and can come across as inauthentic- so try not to copy and paste.
Personally, to actively listen, I nod along and often ‘mmm’ to show I’m listening.
I do my best not to think of what I want to say (I am human, of course it pops into my mind), and try to take a mental note of points I need to understand more of, or respond to a little later.
Active listening is a skill you develop over time, and it’s worth doing more reading on the topic from the professionals.
According to the center for creative leadership, active listening involves these 6 main techniques:
Paying attention (I hope this one was obvious)
Reason 3: You’re More Interested in Debunking What They’re Saying, Rather Than Bringing in New Information
If you’ve spent any time online, you’d have seen some amazing communicators debunk myths.
That style content is some of my personal favourite to watch, especially in the skincare world.
Debunking is great when done by experts in their respective fields- but where does that leave you and me?
The debunking slope is slippery, and although essential and effective when shared on a large scale like social media, it tends to break down quickly when it’s time to connect with an individual.
When used in 1:1 conversations, I personally believe it should be done sparingly, and with lots of poise.
Rather than rebutting the fact you know is incorrect, try to state a new fact, and tie in why you know it, or why it matters to you.
Why is debunking not that great as a focus?
It’s always responsive, and the debunking probably won’t be as emotionally charged as the myth that originally got through.
People are often left thinking “Sure, but there are so many studies…your one might have debunked mine, but there’s probably another that debunks yours.”
or even
“We’re better safe than sorry. I’ll play it safe.”
New, positively framed information is easier for people to absorb than corrections, which require more mental effort, and sometimes are taken personally- this works with the brain and not against it. You can read more about ‘Cognitive ease’ here.
People respond better to framing that aligns with their existing values or beliefs, rather than confrontation.
Here’s some examples of how you can respond to the same statement:
“Coconut oil breaks me out. You really shouldn’t use it if you’re acne-prone, it’s comedogenic.”
Rebutting:
“That’s been proven wrong many times. Coconut oil doesn’t clog acne-prone skin, and the comedone scale is all bogus too. Anything in a formula could break you out if it doesn’t agree with your skin.”
People respond better to framing that aligns with their existing values or beliefs, rather than confrontation.
This could look like adding context or the full picture to what they already know:
“I’ve read that too! I was pretty worried it broke me out too so I tended to avoid it- but now my favourite cleanser has it as the main ingredient. I heard that the study that makes coconut oil labelled a comedogenic is a bit of a weird one- it was actually done on rats ears- which makes me question how it’ll actually be for our skin. I watched a great reel on LabMuffin’s Instagram.”
Introducing new ideas that are more appealing to someone is often the best course of action, and has psychological backing.
Give them a new experience to consider:
“I know my friend is acne-prone but she loves a cleanser that has coconut oil as the main ingredient- she swears by it! I guess it’s important to use whatever works for your skin- and maybe some coconut oil products are fine to use?”
People tend to continue to rely on misinformation even after it has been corrected unless a very clear, easy to understand alternative is offered.
Give them a fun resource:
“Apparently there are many different grades of all ingredients- that’s why some coconut oil products break people out and some don’t- I followed a skincare formulator on Instagram that explained it all to me and I found them really helpful! They’re @skininterest.”
There’s not a cookie cutter approach for this- sometimes it’s doing what works, and what you feel will get through to that person in the moment.
Reason 4: You’re Using Words That Are Complicated or Politically Charged
Big words aren’t better, especially when you’re needing to get on the same page with someone.
I’m passionate about avoiding niche words because I feel they can lead to a disconnect in conversation.
Having applied this across my life with ESL members in my family, and working in the ESL community in Australia for a number of years, it’s encouraged conversation and safety.
The need for common vocabulary doesn’t just show up in ESL settings.
Doctors are encouraged to speak in plain language as often as possible for better patient understanding and health application.
How complicated words are don’t reflect the depth of a topic- In fact- the more plain you can explain your point, the more understanding you probably have.
Creator @aaronflarin_ shared in a recent video about this exact topic that really resonated.
Aaron explains that over 50% of American adults read at a level below the 6th grade according to a study by The Literacy Project.
Can you use big words? Yes.
Sometimes you can’t avoid them- But pair it with smaller words- and be sure to explain what the bigger words mean, especially if the person is outside the circle of context.
Semantics, semantics, semantics…
Wait! We aren’t done with words- what about how we understand them, also known as semantics.
Semantics are “the meaning and interpretation of words, signs, and sentence structure”.
It’s also why you and your mum are probably going a texted “K.” very differently.
You may feel it’s blunt and worry there’s some upset, where she may think nothing of it besides someone acknowledging something said.
But each of these would feel very different from a crush, compared to your older downstairs neighbor.
Some words, even though they might be accurate, are politically charged.
Eg: Left, Right, Center.
I see politically charged words as unhelpful in conversations where I’m trying to make progress with someone.
They tend to serve as a derailment, and can get you lost in the sauce, drowning in all the baggage those words have.
Some practical tips:
Write out what you think in your usual words, then rewrite it in a plain way
Don’t assume context- explain it when it’s relevant
Opt for smaller words when there’s a choice
Be very weary of labels
Be very weary of terms used often by larger organisations that treat people as a group, rather than as individuals
Reason 5: You’re Not Being Realistic About The Ground You Can Cover, And You’re Missing Easy Wins
Studying Theology (Theo: God. Ology: The study of.) opened me up to a world of nit picking I didn’t know was possible.
Thankfully (and worryingly) history does tend to repeat itself- so here’s what we can learn:
In the Christian church, there were huge changes in doctrine and belief, but they didn’t happen overnight.
The Protestant church moved away from Catholicism, splitting off during the Reformation in the 16th century.
Martin Luther has been credited to sparking the Reformation by nailing the 95 thesis to a church door in 1517- which opened up the step away from the traditional catholic teachings.
The 95 thesis were 95 statements he wanted to challenge the Catholic church with to push change.
Modern day Protestants are often shocked to read that the 95 thesis are still…very Catholic.
Extremely Catholic, actually.
Yet these points were the start to the entire Reformation, and the reason why the church looks like it does today.
The step away is the start, and typically snowballs.
You’re sometimes not there to see it all, and that’s ok when you care about the people involved.
So the next time you’re speaking to someone who has passionately believed something for the last 60 years of their life, maybe it isn’t about changing their mind over coffee, but opening some more perspective or compassion.
Know when to call and cut it when there’s no wiggle room.
During the conversation, if there’s hostility, big push back, or it feels like something is off track- take a moment and adjust course.
Some points aren’t worth derailing a productive conversation over- or are clear signs the conversation isn’t worth continuing.
Everyone is obsessed with the finished product, but misses the easy wins that help bring people on the same page.
Easy wins can be:
Things you both agree on
Points they’re correct about
Third parties that have common ground with you both
Experiences you both share
Encouraging openness in an area they aren’t defensive in
Humanising your side with a personal story
Humanising them by hearing them out, even when it’s difficult
Reason 6: The Person You’re Speaking to Isn’t Ready to Listen
There are a few red flags they’re not ready to be honest or fair in a conversation, but it’s difficult to take notice when you care about a topic.
Everyone will have different boundaries to the topics they discuss, but it’s important to have lines that aren’t crossed.
A person's points shouldn’t feel like personal attacks or extra spikey.
Passive aggressiveness is also a sign the conversation is worth ending.
You may also feel someone is ‘strawmanning’ your points- which means to misrepresent or exaggerate your side to make it easier to attack.
If you’re feeling unsure, it might be time to refocus, or speak to a trusted friend about it first.
Food For Thought
Before diving into a difficult conversation, it’s worth checking in with yourself:
Is the setting appropriate? Are you at a dinner or event where things could get awkward or overheard?
Is there a risk things could escalate? Can you step away or change the subject if needed?
Is this coming too soon after a big emotional moment? Timing matters, and some conversations need space to land well.
Can you walk away if it’s not going well? You never have to stay in a conversation that’s turning sour.
Are you putting pressure on the outcome? If you feel desperate for them to “get it,” it might be worth pausing.
Summary
Ultimately, I often see people start to tackle difficult conversations with loved ones, followers, or whoever it may be- relying on the strategies that large communicators in that field use.
When you're communicating to a large platform or a crowd, you're using very different methods than when you’re speaking to an individual- and potentially someone you care about at that.
I’d encourage you to aim for easy wins, let them know you hear them and their experience, and accept that sometimes progress is the best result.
If this resonated, I’d love to hear your experiences. Share your best (or worst) conversation tips in the comments.
